I mean we weren’t lying, she did. But she also had her own sleeping space in our bed. Week 2, my husband and I had been up all night trying to get our baby to bed. This particular night ended up with baby falling asleep on me on our couch (she was protected from both sides, don’t worry). And this started our cosleeping adventure.

With going back to my remote post-doctoral fellowship full-time 2 weeks after, I knew that I was going to need to get sleep. There was a despair that came over me when I realized our girl just wouldn’t sleep in her bassinet for longer than 5 minutes. And there is so much fear and negativity surrounding cosleeping, that I neglected to consider that cosleeping was what she needed. I don’t know why, but she slept in the comfort of me with no problems. And as scary as that sounds, when done safely, baby and mama can get great rest.

In fact, there is a lot of research on safe cosleeping supporting the mutual relationship and sleep benefits for baby and mom. Safe sleep 7 is something I stumbled across in search of other moms who were openly cosleeping, because shocker — not many Facebook groups or subreddits exist on the topic. But I found the perfect one. I learned what I needed to do to keep baby safe and 9 months later, we started to transition her to her crib. And despite all the negativity and disbelief from friends and family, my instincts were never more right and I’m grateful for those instincts. After all, this first year may have been a lot tougher when it came to sleep.

While yes, there are certainly cons to having baby in bed with you, this worked for us and I’m grateful to have found a supportive group of mamas to help me through it. Honestly, the hardest part was telling our doctor that we coslept in fear of degradation. Thankfully, even our doctor recognized safe cosleeping and by practice had to advise against it but reassured us it is quite common.

If you cosleep, just do it safely. After all, what did mamas do before bassinets or cribs. What do mamas in remote areas of the world do? And if your baby sleeps independently awesome! As much as I wished in the moment that she slept in her bassinet I will never be upset that I got 9 months of extra baby cuddles and bonding with my sweet girl.

Now as I rock my best girl to sleep ready to put her in her crib for the night (although I can’t say for sure) as I write this, I’m reminded of the love we shared in our one bed. The effortless breathing of a tiny little baby in my ear, her breath matching so perfectly with mine. A tiny little baby whose tiny little feet I miss laid against my scar where she came from.

Postpartum is a wild experience. Between the raging and indescribable hormones. To in my case, the numb c-section scar/lower belly and excess skin and shelf, it becomes super difficult to recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. As if our mental health wasn’t enough let’s add freaking weight gain (read to the same tone to that of Mia Rinaldi- PrinCESS of Genovia). Plus, there are those mamas who crush their pregnancy and don’t gain any weight, so they look almost identical and as beautiful as pre-pregnancy (this is not me). It’s so tough not to compare or not feel pressured to “bounce back” as everyone always says.

Despite knowing you provide sustenance for your baby and provided a home for a growing baby for 10 months. And despite knowing you had significant abdominal surgery (look up a video on YouTube if you’re curious and have a strong stomach) in order to save your baby’s life, there is still this nagging in the back of your head to look better or get back to pre-pregnancy as fast as possible. Which is also bonkers because your baby loves you unconditionally and they’re in no rush for you to “bounce back”.

I remember being so excited to breastfeed because I was told I would drop weight. That never happened…I don’t know if it was my struggle to nurse or my 90 year old metabolism, but it was and is still frustrating. Instead, I nurse and am hungry trying to produce milk but end up gaining weight and producing “just enough”.

To add to the societal pressure to be your pre pregnancy self, I am lucky to have had an on again off again relationship with an eating disorder for a while prior to pregnancy, as well as go through diabetes in pregnancy. Honestly, my body is confused to the highest heavens and my metabolism probably works at the rate of a menopausal woman. All jokes aside, despite eating healthy, drinking green juice, and working out; the number on the scale never changes, the size 12 pre pregnancy jeans still don’t fit, and there is still confusion looking at an unrecognizable person in the mirror.

Mamas go through hell and back whether our labor is natural or a c-section, yet we’re supposed to bounce back while our hormones are still unbalanced, while we struggle to eat well balanced while we prioritize our babies, while we are returning to work and life before baby. You know what I say? Hell to the no.

Especially with societal pressures already placed on women outside of pregnancy or post-partum; no mama should ever be told to bounce back again. No mama should have to battle immense and unrealistic pressures placed on her while she’s trying to figure out who she now is as a mom and who she is as (insert your name).

So from this badass mama to another (or whoever is reading this) —- bounce back my ass!

**Rated R- breastfeeding picture warning**

One of the hardest parts of the newborn phase is not knowing what you’re doing-like ever. My husband and I went to centering group where we talked about literally everything, but after baby was born, it felt like we talked about nothing. And it wasn’t that our midwife wasn’t great, she absolutely was, but parenthood is definitely trial and error with a little touch of seeing the lactation consultant.

My breastfeeding journey started off relatively normal. My little girl latched immediately and was content after 10 minutes of feeding, even after getting bottle fed the first few days while I recovered and regained feeling past my hips. My husband and I were under the agreement that we would try breast first and foremost, pump exclusively, supplement, and last resort only bottle feed. Let me spoil the journey for you — we supplemented and still do. But guess what — our girl is happy healthy and meeting all her milestones if not sooner than she is supposed to. Regardless, we talk about how breast is best, and while it is great…the expectation and pressure moms feel to exclusively breastfeed is not great. After all, a fed baby is the best baby.

I remember the first thing about my journey into breastfeeding being the insatiable thirst and constant food cravings. Then it was the late night, lonely feeds with a 5 pound 11 ounce baby, who only knows and needs you. These late nights always felt so lonely, because I didn’t need to wake my husband up all the time, so there he was peacefully snoring, and there I was fighting a tired and hungry baby by myself. It felt like no one else in the world was up with me, although I know there were plenty other mamas thinking the same thing. Then it was the constant fear of baby not getting enough and second guessing when I would pull her off to not pull her too soon but also not allow her to soothe. Then I remember the screams anytime I tried to get her to latch, starting a long and tiring road to now being able to feed her most of the day with bottle and solids as supplements.

There was such a pressure to breastfeed since “breast is best”, but i very quickly realized that “fed is best”. About two weeks into motherhood, my breast didn’t seem enough. She would scream if I tried to give her a boob and scream if I tried to give her bottle. She was rapidly dropping birth weight and not gaining anything. She was crushing it at the 2nd percentile. So now, not only am I confused and have no idea how to feed my baby, but she’s headed toward failure to thrive.

Eventually we met with the lactation consultant who suggested I use tubing to help her with instant gratification but increase her latching and help increase my milk supply in the process. This was also great until it wasn’t. I do think it worked and I think it was the necessary step to get baby to eat and latch, but there were so many, already lonely and sleepless nights, that I would set up this itchy contraption only to get two more hours of sleep. The tape was also tearing my skin which was painful, on top of having cracked and scabbed nipples from baby.

So here we are 9 months later. And despite the commotion in the beginning, my little one was primarily breast fed from month 4.5-7. Now, on average she has breast in the morning and evening and 2-3 bottles; and with starting purées and actual food, nursing and bottle feeds are becoming less frequent.

Getting to this point was incredibly challenging and disheartening, but also so empowering and beautiful. As I write this, my little one has become much less dependent on breast as she is with another family during my workday. I know there will come a day where I miss those little eyes staring up at me, the little hands reaching for my fingers and caressing my face, and the undeniable bond between her and I in those silent and lonely moments. But to know I got through what felt like a Mount Everest of a climb and continue to be able to provide baby with breast, even if it’s not enough to fill her, is the epitome of a little win-a mom win, and proof we can do anything.

At the end of the day, we all want to be the perfect mom. We want to do all the things in the baby book and push ourselves to do everything they tell us is best in parenting classes without considering the alternatives that still make our babies happy and well nourished. I don’t take for granted the moments I could nurse and bond with my girl, but how blessed am I to have a baby who was able to bond with her daddy during bottle feeds and have a little less loneliness in this journey 🩷