**Rated R- breastfeeding picture warning**
One of the hardest parts of the newborn phase is not knowing what you’re doing-like ever. My husband and I went to centering group where we talked about literally everything, but after baby was born, it felt like we talked about nothing. And it wasn’t that our midwife wasn’t great, she absolutely was, but parenthood is definitely trial and error with a little touch of seeing the lactation consultant.
My breastfeeding journey started off relatively normal. My little girl latched immediately and was content after 10 minutes of feeding, even after getting bottle fed the first few days while I recovered and regained feeling past my hips. My husband and I were under the agreement that we would try breast first and foremost, pump exclusively, supplement, and last resort only bottle feed. Let me spoil the journey for you — we supplemented and still do. But guess what — our girl is happy healthy and meeting all her milestones if not sooner than she is supposed to. Regardless, we talk about how breast is best, and while it is great…the expectation and pressure moms feel to exclusively breastfeed is not great. After all, a fed baby is the best baby.
I remember the first thing about my journey into breastfeeding being the insatiable thirst and constant food cravings. Then it was the late night, lonely feeds with a 5 pound 11 ounce baby, who only knows and needs you. These late nights always felt so lonely, because I didn’t need to wake my husband up all the time, so there he was peacefully snoring, and there I was fighting a tired and hungry baby by myself. It felt like no one else in the world was up with me, although I know there were plenty other mamas thinking the same thing. Then it was the constant fear of baby not getting enough and second guessing when I would pull her off to not pull her too soon but also not allow her to soothe. Then I remember the screams anytime I tried to get her to latch, starting a long and tiring road to now being able to feed her most of the day with bottle and solids as supplements.
There was such a pressure to breastfeed since “breast is best”, but i very quickly realized that “fed is best”. About two weeks into motherhood, my breast didn’t seem enough. She would scream if I tried to give her a boob and scream if I tried to give her bottle. She was rapidly dropping birth weight and not gaining anything. She was crushing it at the 2nd percentile. So now, not only am I confused and have no idea how to feed my baby, but she’s headed toward failure to thrive.
Eventually we met with the lactation consultant who suggested I use tubing to help her with instant gratification but increase her latching and help increase my milk supply in the process. This was also great until it wasn’t. I do think it worked and I think it was the necessary step to get baby to eat and latch, but there were so many, already lonely and sleepless nights, that I would set up this itchy contraption only to get two more hours of sleep. The tape was also tearing my skin which was painful, on top of having cracked and scabbed nipples from baby.
So here we are 9 months later. And despite the commotion in the beginning, my little one was primarily breast fed from month 4.5-7. Now, on average she has breast in the morning and evening and 2-3 bottles; and with starting purées and actual food, nursing and bottle feeds are becoming less frequent.
Getting to this point was incredibly challenging and disheartening, but also so empowering and beautiful. As I write this, my little one has become much less dependent on breast as she is with another family during my workday. I know there will come a day where I miss those little eyes staring up at me, the little hands reaching for my fingers and caressing my face, and the undeniable bond between her and I in those silent and lonely moments. But to know I got through what felt like a Mount Everest of a climb and continue to be able to provide baby with breast, even if it’s not enough to fill her, is the epitome of a little win-a mom win, and proof we can do anything.
At the end of the day, we all want to be the perfect mom. We want to do all the things in the baby book and push ourselves to do everything they tell us is best in parenting classes without considering the alternatives that still make our babies happy and well nourished. I don’t take for granted the moments I could nurse and bond with my girl, but how blessed am I to have a baby who was able to bond with her daddy during bottle feeds and have a little less loneliness in this journey 🩷
This Mama’s Tired: Motherhood, Career, Military Spouse 